a glimpse into the mind of a rambler in the abstract

so, i just took the husband to the airport. he was in town for a short visit because he, like my friend, had commissioning interviews. he was approved!!! HOORAY!!! it feels a little weird because this doesn't really change anything for our lives. because he's working outside of our annual conference and not in a United Methodist setting, his job isn't an appointable position. basically, he's choosing to postpone an appointment in a local church to finish his commitment to the retreat center where he works. so, nothing really changes for him...or me...until spring of 2010 when we finish in Virginia and come back to Georgia. which is a little weird and anti-climactic. he's been waiting for a lot of years for the affirmation of his call to ministry that came from that committee yesterday. and it is huge. but nothing really changes.

i'm starting to realize, though, that this is more of what life will feel like now. we've kind of moved through a lot of the stage of life where every single thing is a big life determining decision that will change your life path. okay, so maybe it's not always that huge, but when you're choosing a college, or job, or place to live, or grad program, etc., it feels that big. and choosing a life partner for this adventure IS that big! we've narrowed our life path a bit by choosing each other, choosing theology school, the husband choosing ordination. it feels like we've climbed some of the big mountains and finally reached a plateau.

sure, we will both continue to grow and change. a lot. sure, the people journeying with us will grow and change...and sometimes leave...and sometimes new people will join our crowd. we will hopefully decide one of these days or years to have a child and that will dramatically change everything about our life, too. but, some things are rooted now in what they always will be.

i got to see an old friend the other night...someone i loved very much, but haven't seen in six years. it was crazy to think about where i was then, at 21, just about to graduate from college, and where i am now, about to turn 28. so much has happened, yet, when it all comes back around, i'm still me. maybe i've grown up a little and learned a couple of things, but one of the things i've learned is to love who i am...and was then...a lot more...and that i'm really not going to change all that much.

i think i've gone to rambling now. what i'm trying to say is that i spent so much of my life feeling like someday would come and things would be so very different. but, it turns out that someday is right now just as much as it is still out there and things get very different in tiny little steps...and, at the same time, stay very much the same. and, i guess that's what it is to be grown up...living those little steps, looking back, looking forward, and living the right now.

so, pondering all of this, on the way home from the airport, glad to be in Atlanta with my friends, sad to send the husband back to Virginia, and simultaneously missing our happy house and the beasts there, i stopped to get ice cream (what other logical choice was there?!?). i walked up to the window and there was me, a man in khakis and a polo with gray hair, and a man in a suit. we all stopped...no kids...by ourselves...just some grown ups, living responsible grown up lives, who want a waffle cone every now and then. i kept thinking to myself: this is it. this is life. people in our lives get old and get sick. people we love have horrible struggles in their lives and we can't save them. big, life vocation decisions are made about our futures. new babies are on the way and children grow up and get cuter every day. medical tests and surgeries loom large on our horizons. we laugh with friends and miss the folks who aren't here anymore.

but, sometimes, we stop for ice cream and sit and enjoy the sunshine on our faces. i think i could get used to this grown up thing after all.